


Bilbo's Amazing Adventure!

by Tarash



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Bang Treat, Bilbo is forever alone, Deliberate Badfic, Deliberately Bad Fanart, Dragons, Dragons with beards, Elves are Dicks, Everything is on fire, Multi, Velociraptors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 21:36:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3584925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarash/pseuds/Tarash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo and Thorin and the other dwarves are on their way to Moria when suddenly all the dwarves become velociraptors!!! Gandalf goes to get Radagast to help while Bilbo brings everyone to Elrond in Rivendell but then Radagast turns all the velocidwarfs into DRAGONS and they set everything on fire!!</p>
<p>Happy ending no flames plz.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. journey to rivendell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rubiconjane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubiconjane/gifts), [elephunk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elephunk/gifts).



So one day bilbo was walking there with Thorin and his company fili and kili and oin and gloin and dori and ori and nori and bifur and bofur and bombur and balin and dwalin when SUDDENLY all the dwarves turned into DINOSAURS!!!

“what si going on!” cried Bilbo when suddenly all the dwarves became tiny dinosaurs. They had become…

VELOCIRAPTORS!

“hm I think it is the ancient magics of the necromancer!” Gandalf said stroking his beard throughtfully. “I am going to see radagast. Bilbo you herd all the dwarfraptors to Rivendell, lord Elrond will provide you with safety.”

“right.” Said Bilbo wondering how the hell he was supposed to guide thirteen excited velociraptors with beards and armour and axes to Rivendell. Especially since they had already eaten all the horses. “how?”

“IDK you figure it out I already have to go and see radagast ok bye.” And then Gandalf walked off and since he was so much taller than Bilbo he quickly got away.

Bilbo sighed. “oh thorin.” He said. “how are you supposed to take back your mountain kingdom now???”

Thorin just roared then tried to eat bilbo’s coat.

Anyway Bilbo led them to Rivendell because it wasn’t that hard. The velocidwarves all followed him in a row like ducklings after their mom. Just big ducklings with SUPERSHARP RAZORTEEEEETH that ate all the wolves and goblins and orcs that tried to kill them evne that really big scary one!

So they got to Rivendell really quickly and all the elves looked surprised when they saw the dwarfraptors.

Well not really since elves have no expression but they looked a bit surprised anyway.

“welcome master Bilbo” said Elrond frowning at the velocidwarves who were chewing on his robes.

“yes hi Gandalf told me to go here. Uhm so Thorin and fili and kili and oin and gloin and dori and ori and nori and bifur and bofur and bombur and balin and dwalin have all been turned into dinosaurs and he has gone to talk to radagast and he said I should take the dwarfraptors here” Bilbo explained.

“of course he did that bastard” Elrond said. “I mean wow Gandalf is so wise. I hope he hurries back soon because thorin cannot take back moria while he is a dinosaur.”

Meanwhile the velocidwarves had moved on to chewing on the robes of other elves who were there too and the elves were starting to look worried and disapproving and tried to kick the dwarfraptors away but then the velocidwarves started eating their boots and basically that didn’t help at all.

Elrond sighed. “figwit show these dwarfraptors to some stables ok and make sure they stay there”

“sure” one of the elves said and he tried to shoo and herd the velocidwarves into the elven stables but they wouldn’t listen to him they only listened to Bilbo so Bilbo had to lead the dwarfraptors to the stables.

Then when figwit locked them one of the dwarfraptors cried a big lonely tear and it ran dwon his scaly cheek and into his thick luscious beard. Bilbo knew that was thorin and he felt bad because thorin ahd been kind of hot and sexy for a dwarf. “its okay Throin I will get you out of here and back to your dwarfself and then you can take back Moria and take me too.”

The velocidwarf made an odd noise and figwit stared disapprovingly and Bilbo blushed. Had he just confessed his love to Thorin while he was a velociraptor?????

“um I’m gonna go now see if Gandalf is back!” Bilbo ran out but knew that thorin could only hate him now! Someone like throin could never love someone like Bilbo and not just because he was a velociraptor! Bilbo wanted to cry too but decided to remain strong.

Gandalf had returned with another wizard. It was radagast and he looked like a wizard hobo with a brid’s nest in his hair and covered in birdpoo. “yes this is radagast he is totally a wizard.”

“are you sure” Elrond asked, raising an eyebrow.

“yes” Gandalf replied. “don’t question me I totally know what I’m doing”

“okay then fine. Radagast please turn the velocidwarves back into regular dwarves I mean at least regular dwarves don’t chew on everything and make a huge mess.” Elrond said and he led them to the stable. Bilbo was with them although he was now very nervous about seeing Thorin again. Thorin would become a dwarf again but what if he remembered what Bilbo had said???

“actually regular dwarves also do that” Gandalf said.

They were all at the stables now. “okay radagast please turn thorin and fili and kili and oin and gloin and dori and ori and nori and bifur and bofur and bombur and balin and dwalin back into dwarves please.”

“ok” said Radagast and he raised his hands and sparks flew out and he said words in a strange language and then there was a really loud bang and a blinding light!

The dwarves were no longer velociraptors!

They were now…

DRAGONS!!!!!


	2. journey to moria

“radagast what did you do!” said Gandalf when all the dwarfraptors became dwarfdragons. They all looked really awesome and scaley in lots of different colours but still with beards. “you turned them into dragons!”

“yes like you said” said the wizard hobo.

“no I said turn them into dwarves!!!”

“oh yes that would have made more sense. Oh well it’s too late now that spell only works once. I have to go now” and then Radagast left.

“gandaaaaaalf what did you do!” Elrond shouted. “why are there dwarfdragons setting Rivendell on fire???”

All the dwarfdragons were now setting Rivendell on fire!

“And they are setting my elves on fire too!”

The dwarfdragons also set the elves on fire.

“aaaaaagh” said Elrond. “figwit this is all your fault you were supposed to lock them up in the stable you are fired.”

“what” said figwit but then one of the dwarfdragons set him on fire hahaha get it because he was fired.

“well I was only trying to help” said Gandalf. “what are we going to do now?”

“let’s call Galadriel she is powerful too maybe she can help.”

So they went to Elrond’s room and they called Galadriel but she and celeborn were on a holiday.

Then they called thranduil who said he would drop by.

And then they waited and Thranduil was there on his moose and as the sun set down behind him he dramatically turned away with his elves. But Legolas stayed behind to help but he was quickly set on fire!!!

“what a bastard.” Elrond said. “what do we do now??? Rivendell is entirely on fire and so are my elves!!! Even me! I am on fire too!”

The dragon who had been the velociraptor who had been thorin had snuck into elrond’s room and set his robes on fire!!!

“thorin no you’re not supposed to do that!!!” cried Bilbo, who ran over to the dragon. He petted thorin carefully. Even as a dragon he still liked thorin a lot.

“hmm” said Gandalf while Elrond ran around screaming looking for some water. “you know the problem was that smaug the dragon had taken over moria to hide all his gold and shiny jewels there.”

“yes I know” said Bilbo who was still petting thorin and stroking his beard. It was a surprisingly soft beard for a dragon.

“well now that thorin and fili and kili and oin and gloin and dori and ori and nori and bifur and bofur and bombur and balin and dwalin are also dragons although they are dwarfdragons they can take on smaug in a battle and win!!!!” Gandalf said.

“wait does that mean I am still necessary on this quest since we were supposed to sneak into Moria and I am the burglar?” asked Bilbo

“I guess not but you can come with because why not hey?” said Gandalf. “besides all the dwarfdragons seem to like you. Especially Thorin.”

Bilbo blushed again but it was true. It seemed that even as a dwarfdragon Thorin still liked him a lot. “ok fine where is moria? We can go there faster if we ride the dwarfdragons.”

“yes I bet you want to ride thorin” said Gandalf.

And Bilbo did and Gandalf was carried by kili and fili who only dropped him once but it was fine.

“ok so here we are inside moria” said Gandalf. “I wonder where smaug is???”

“there he is!” Bilbo pointed in the distance. “omg he’s enormous!!”

“yes compared to the dwarfdragons he is.” Said Gandalf stroking his beard.

Thorin flew up and shot fire at smaug! And then smaug shot fire at thorin! And then they flew off and the other dwarfdragons followed after them! And Bilbo and Gandalf stayed where they were but could hear the roars from the dragons and the heat from things getting set on fire and then

Thorin and smaug came back and thorin was riding smaug’s back as a dragon. And there was smoke coming out of smaug’s nostrils and the dragon lay down in front of Bilbo and Gandalf with thorin still on smaug’s back.

“so is smaug dead now?” Bilbo asked.

“I think so.” Gandalf said.

And then Thorin moved further back on Smaug’s back and Smaug raised his hindlegs a bit and then thorin started to move and Gandalf covered bilbo’s eyes.

“what is going on????” Bilbo asked.

“well smaug is a female dragon apparently and thorin is a male dragon” said Gandalf. “so now they’re mating.”

“WHAAAAAT” said Bilbo and he pulled gandalf’s hand away. “no thorin I thought you loved me.”

But thorin’s majestic dragondong was only thrusting in and out of smaug, not Bilbo.

“I guess smaug showed thorin her treasure and now he loves her more.” Said Gandalf. “well that was weird but at least THorin can rule Moria now. Fili and kili and oin and gloin and dori and ori and nori and bifur and bofur and bombur and balin and dwalin can be their guards!”

Bilbo wanted to cry. “but they are supposed to be dwarves!”

“actually I think radagast knew and did us a favour! Now no one has to die. Well. Except for some of the elves. And now the dwarves sort of have their kingdom back. Thorin can be the dragonking and let the dwarves come back and they can live in peace with smaug.” Gandalf said. “And wow with all these dragons we will have a great army against Sauron! Awesome!”

“against who?” said Bilbo in between his sobs of tragedy.

“oh never mind. Let’s go and leave the lovebirds to it.”

And then Gandalf dragged Bilbo out of moria and back to the shire where Bilbo lived the rest of his life with a broken heart and then when frodo went on his adventure Bilbo told frodo never to fall in love with dwarves or dragons because they were all bastards anyway.


End file.
